Wednesday, April 24, 2013

I am prepared


I have always somehow been “prepared.”  I don’t know how to explain that really, I just know I have.

I was 24 years old and I had this new girlfriend.  Her name was Nina and at the time I thought she was the most beautiful girl on the planet, she was my Phoebe Cates look alike and I was going to take her out that night.

I stopped at home (My parent’s house) first and while walking in I was told to sit down.  My Mom had a cold look on her face like I had seen before.  Like something so overwhelming had happened to her that it was impossible to convey.  She began to convey to me how my Brother Scott had just shot himself and died.  This look on her face (and my Dad) was telling and something I would become more familiar with as I would see it not only on their faces for the rest of their lives but on many of my clients.  This look, this calibratory collection of signals has come to mean: “I am in crisis and am in the process of shoving everything into my unconscious mind right now” signal.  Only to have it rise up throughout your life to deal with it later. 

That night was strange for me and I cannot help but feel that even though I cried and acted quite crazy I was holding off the real pain (or the thoughts that create it) for a time I could deal with it. My Sister in Law was drugged to the hilt to desensitize her from the pain, for me it was completely surreal and would remain that way for many years.  Even though I didn’t “know” he was going to die that night, it is interesting to note I was the only one to contact him before hand, I made my peace with him, I had time to ponder him not being here, I had tied up any loose ends I could without even being aware of it…and this is a pattern that would hold true from there on.  When my Father died, when Arlene’s Grandfather died, When my Aunt died, when my pets died it was like I knew.  I would take strange and unexpected trips to see them before hand.  I find Arlene and I saying, “It’s amazing we went on that unplanned visit” or “Something was telling me this was going to happen.” I was always ready even if not in form.

So it is no surprise then that yesterday April 23rd 2013 I had clear thoughts of my Mom and brother and my niece.  They pop up once in a blue moon in my mind, but seriously, I am mostly in the now and this is a quite rare occurrence.

I found out my Mom passed away last night. 

I remember the last conversation I had with her.  She said to call a little more.  I was thinking what it would be like if she passed and I had not called.  It was like I was covering bases…working it all out before it happened.  I took an “unplanned” trip to NJ in late January (after not going home for Christmas) to see her specifically, I felt strongly I need to do that.  That trip was momentous even though at first I whined about going at all.  I made my peace with her on some level I cannot quite explain.  I said to Arlene after the visit: “I really feel good about this, I’m ready now.”  I was referring to the conclusion of some story that we both shared.  Some drama a person has with another that can play out for lifetimes.  Mine was complete with her somehow…

Besides for the weather (Are the clouds going to leave this year?) I feel good today.  Of course the ego is trying to have its say in all this.  Last night I remember thinking to one of its ridiculous diatribes: “I am going to feel wonderful in a month, 6 months and a year from now.  This will pass, so why not feel wonderful right now?”  It was almost as if I was supposed to be devastated about all of it and found myself about to play the role. I counsel my clients in all this…here I was walking the walk now.

In the book: The Denial of Death” by Ernest Becker he attributes all Psychosomatic illness to our denial of death. Jesus would agree stating” Die not Son of God in which the dark dance of death delights you, die not…” The Buddhists spend a LOT of time on the concept of death and dying. There is something to this.

They are pointing something out.  Death is something we try to avoid our whole lives.  But in form it seems that it is inevitable so the key is to die before you die.  To realize you are not that which seems to die through that knowledge…to REALLY KNOW it. 

I feel I’m on the right path with this.  My life has been surrounded by death (I was fortunate to have older parents and be the youngest of 6).  I used to think that was a curse, I realize the blessing it is now.  How it is playing a significant role in helping me to deal with this crazy concept of death here and now.  Not wait until the “great cold surrounds my bones.” –Shakespeare’s Prospero

I realize this post is a bit scattered.  I have much along these lines to convey but these are my initial thoughts:

We do not die
There is no opposite to life
To believe it somehow means the God of life has an opposite and can end
This is not possible
Yet somehow it seems we end
So it must be that what we “see” is not necessarily life
It is something to pass itself off as life that seemingly can end
Thereby making the creator “wrong.”

I will not fold.
I will not budge.
I will not give a single inch on this matter.
It is a lie.

“The only correct use of denial is denial of the ego…” – ACIM


1 comment:

  1. Can't help but think how she sees you more clearly now. Like, "Oooh, THAT's who that guy is and THAT's what he was saying!" :-) Sending you love, Keith. 2013, here we are.

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