Thursday, May 16, 2013

I am Overcome

Holy Water in my Lungs.

Here we are only a couple of weeks past my Mom dying.  Arlene just called me 5 minutes ago to tell me that my brother in Law Albert just died today.

I am overcome...

Everyone up there is in shock.

I realize how useless it is.  If we are not in the now, we are not.  I feel a strange anxiety, like a pins and needles in my upper torso.

I know what to say, I know what to do.  I can't convey it, since you cannot speak through insanity.

It's useless.

Temporary, fleeting, yet eternal.  Endings, always endings and beginnings and endings.  Start and never finish.


What am I saying?

THIS, is the first 20 minutes.  A snapshot of the insanity of grief.  The ego speaking it's lies and my knowing speaking my truth.  I am in what "shock" would be for me.

Albert and I sort of grew up together...he was with my sister since 16 years old and he was like an older brother. I know on a deep level why and how this occurred.  I know why this happened.

A battle between philosophies.  Then will come my decision.  My decision to be happy.  But today is just a little more "so what" than yesterday...an hour ago...five minutes ago.

I am overcome....

There is absolutely nothing for me to do.  I can only deny the lie.  The stories that the ego tells me are just plain stupid at this point.  I am seeing this differently.  The hardest part is thinking about what someone else (My sister) is experiencing.  The loss, the horror, the emptiness...without knowing anything that I do.

I feel sadness for that.

But I always go back to my great beloved...My God.  I can feel a gentle stroke on my forehead.  It would be far too much, far too much without Him.  It also would make no sense.  Everything is going to be okay.

Funny.  I just thought of him Yesterday. For that, I am overcome.


4 comments:

  1. So, you wrote this only 20 minutes after hearing the news?

    Now, over a month later, what would you write?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well, within a day I was realizing many things. You see, he was 52 and took care of himself, worked out, had a great job and family. He focused on investments and future...quite a bit. It was all irrelevant. All this stuff is not worth a damn as we know...but to see it was incredible.

    After this is reinforced two things;

    1) All the stupid shit we do here is a waste of time and...

    2) The only relevant thing is to relinquish our judgment and Love. It is not an ends but a means to an end. It speaks of what we truly want. To remember we are Love is to be like it...every single day.

    Hope that helps.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Is there any time we're not doing that - remembering we are love?

    The surface may look like we are all part of the rat race, but is that the truth?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're right...I should clarify. To consciously CHOOSE to remember we are love is different than experiencing unfathomable daily pain to do so. This is why there is such an emphasis on choice within spiritual teachings.

      The "rat race" is the choice to be unhappy and unloving. It is an attempt to be special. When I hear, rat race, I hear competition.

      Delete