Holy Water in my Lungs.
Here we are only a couple of weeks past my Mom dying. Arlene just called me 5 minutes ago to tell me that my brother in Law Albert just died today.
I am overcome...
Everyone up there is in shock.
I realize how useless it is. If we are not in the now, we are not. I feel a strange anxiety, like a pins and needles in my upper torso.
I know what to say, I know what to do. I can't convey it, since you cannot speak through insanity.
It's useless.
Temporary, fleeting, yet eternal. Endings, always endings and beginnings and endings. Start and never finish.
What am I saying?
THIS, is the first 20 minutes. A snapshot of the insanity of grief. The ego speaking it's lies and my knowing speaking my truth. I am in what "shock" would be for me.
Albert and I sort of grew up together...he was with my sister since 16 years old and he was like an older brother. I know on a deep level why and how this occurred. I know why this happened.
A battle between philosophies. Then will come my decision. My decision to be happy. But today is just a little more "so what" than yesterday...an hour ago...five minutes ago.
I am overcome....
There is absolutely nothing for me to do. I can only deny the lie. The stories that the ego tells me are just plain stupid at this point. I am seeing this differently. The hardest part is thinking about what someone else (My sister) is experiencing. The loss, the horror, the emptiness...without knowing anything that I do.
I feel sadness for that.
But I always go back to my great beloved...My God. I can feel a gentle stroke on my forehead. It would be far too much, far too much without Him. It also would make no sense. Everything is going to be okay.
Funny. I just thought of him Yesterday. For that, I am overcome.
