This may be a line I have never heard in all my years of
doing this type of work. But I am amazed
at how often it is obvious to me that people that enter my office do not wish
to change at all. You may be thinking:
“that’s just dumb, why would they waste their time and money if they don’t want
to change.” Well the answer is that they
“think” they actually do.
Many times I get into mini battles within my office about
this. The fact is that I am in the
business of stirring up people’s mud.
The goo at the bottom of their awareness they never wanted to deal
with.
Rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic.
Anyone who comes to see me knows this line well. I use it right from the get go referring to
our desire to change our outward surroundings to try and feel better or “be
happy.” Yes, we feel that we can make
our situation “work” somehow by making something else change. If that person, that thing or that event
would change, or if it would have been different…indeed it SHOULD have been
different. I should have, could have and
would have. I needed to, wanted to, have
to. All these are forms of the same
thing, attempting to rearrange our environment to alter our feelings of
depression and futility. The problem is,
it doesn’t work.
The only thing that will ever work is shifting your own
perceptions about the world. For every
belief you have there is someone that believes differently…who is right? We think WE are of course. But if all of us think WE are right, who wrong? Neither. Like I pointed out in another blog
there is no work for “wrong” in Aramaic (The mother tongue), only “right” and
“not right.” If we see the same
situation we should all see it the same way right? If a situation is static and clear as day then
we should see it identical, right? But
that is not the case, since we are adding our own perceptions, experiences,
history and biases on top of everything we witness. It is like we walk around with paintbrushes
that paint only a reflection of what we believe to be us (a combination of our
own experiences, history, beliefs, thoughts & Form) and we swipe it across
everything we see all the time. Is that
car nice? It’s just a car and has no
inherent meaning. But Keith comes by and
swipes his “Keith brush” and paints it Keith.
Si now the car to him is either ugly or beautiful, impractical or
awesome. It sounds like Keith “created”
the car…which on a deeper level, he is. So what is the “car?” It is none of these things…it is just a car…and
it may not even be that, but that’s another post.
So after years and decades (and more) of this mindset we
feel depressed. Our way doesn’t seem to
be working. So we hate the world for
being so unreasonable and standing in our obvious “correct” vision. We become more and more disillusioned with
every year becoming more and more difficult.
We have many “tools” to deal with this type of pain though. We keep busy, we occupy our lives, we buy too
many things, we work too much, we have “isms” and “ologies” and we eventually
desensitize to what our beliefs and thoughts are actually doing.
Now we suffer more and more.
Eventually these beliefs bring us into an office like mine. We are at the end of our rope…or at least we
“think” we are. In reality we are just
going to begin learning how far that rope goes.
In truth we are not aware.
I think any person I have ever seen within my office can
tell you they either:
A) Had
no clue on exactly how deep their own and the worlds issues go. They also had no idea of the magnitude of the
scope of those issues. They begin to go
within, a slow self journey leaving the deck chairs behind and now dealing with
their “own” issues which they now see were always “theirs.”
B) Know
exactly what is wrong with them, feel they know how it works and explain to me
how if they could just change this or that symptom everything would be okay and
they would be happy.
“They never come for the reasons they think” – ACIM
Most people who start out as “B” eventually become A’s. But there is a small group who are determined
to stay with “B.” Even if their lives
are falling apart, even if I can see exactly what it is they are not seeing
(which is the reflection you come to see someone like me for), even if they are
suffering greatly. These people will
fight me to not have the problem “worked out” in any other way but the one they
just “Know” is going to work.
They eventually (sometimes within minutes if not before they
show up) become combative. It then
becomes clear to me there is a call that must be made. Do I allow them to abuse the situation or let
them go so we do not ruin their chances later?
It varies, but more and more over the years I am allowing it to go. To end it before it becomes a reflection back
to them. I am a reflection of what they
want to see also…if they want to see someone punitive (which we often do to
reflect our beliefs about someone else in our lives…or God, or a past
relationship), they will. This is called “Shadow figuring.”
“The ego’s dictum is to seek and do not find” –ACIM
So we hold onto our belief systems since it is what we
believe to be our very life; our existence.
But we want it to appear like
we want change. This, we feel, makes us
look innocent. After all, we are seeking
help to work on our problem right? How
many times have you started a project or venture or relationship and
procrastinated? You stuck to the idea
though that you needed something more to continue? More education? Another piece of equipment?
The right circumstances? Which never
seem to happen. “Just do it” is not
happening. Well, people also do that
with their problems and their growth as well.
As long as the appointment at the counselor is there they don’t “really”
have to deal with their issues. It is
just like another fallen New Years resolution…the intent seems innocent when
there is a far more sinister mindset going on all the while. The mindset they have is that they wanted to
try and do another form of rearranging the deckchairs.It wants to never heal
the problem…
This is why there is so little relative growth on that
deeper level in the world. We do not
want it. We all have friends and family
we see complaining about their problems but always finding a way to remain in
it. It’s as if they love it when we can
see so clearly what they are doing. But, be careful about saying that to anyone
you know who does this. To say “You
don’t REALLY want to change” can elicit a biting response. I am not saying to not call it out…but use it
wisely if you are called to teach them.
