The Soldier of the Night...

No this is not some sort of reference to the Phantom of the Opera…that was “The music of the night,” and I wouldn’t be so cliché’. :) In addition this all happened way before I personally ever heard of the Phantom anyway.

I wanted to tell a story about listening, about what it is like to hear that “voice” within. 

Recently,(which is very odd) I remembered a huge part of my life and the significance it has had.  I am not sure why this information did not bubble up on a more massive scale sooner, I remember telling people about it in my office.  But at the time I didn’t realize the significance. 

I grew up near the beach, two blocks away to be specific.  A 45 second walk would be all it took to be on the Raritan Bay overlooking the New York City skyline with the two very obvious and iconic twin towers outside my bedroom window.  I remember when the World Trade center attack happened and people were stunned…for me it was like losing two friends I grew up with.  My brother helped build them and we had a 50 lb granite ashtray from the Towers right on my car port. I was devastated when that happened...I didn't know why I had such a huge reaction at the time, they were only buildings...

When I was about 14 years old I started a journey…at the time my Mom called it a “phase.”  But it was more than that…this phase lasted for 15 years and is still going in a various form.  I would wait until evening and then take my trek down to the beach.  I stared at the Ocean and one day I started talking to it.   I can still remember my first words; “Hello?  Are you there still?  It’s me, Keith.”  Part of my mind felt funny, strange and hokey but then there was this side of me that longed for something.  I was on some journey to locate a distant connection and it was not going to stop.  I believe there was a reason I would go at night though, I did like the atmosphere but that wasn’t the only reason.  What I was doing seemed even strange to me then and part of me was hiding it. Part of my mind wanted nothing to do with this ancient call, this relationship with the Ocean, the Dark, with...

After I put that question out there I remember this extremely short pause…and then, it spoke back.  “I am here, I’ve been waiting for you.”  I remember tears welling up in my eyes for some reason…I was losing control and it was a crazy feeling to experience it.  I let go…more easy than expected.  I imagined I went through many lifetimes where I resisted doing something like this, but now I was ready...somehow I knew this.  It spoke again:  “I have many things planned for you but it’s going to be hard, but always remember I love you.” I remember LOVING this voice IMMEDIATELY. I was blown away and in extreme awe. I lost all control.

“I know.” I said calmly. I've always known.

It was an androgynous voice, and the truth is it’s not even a voice so to speak.  It is a dialogue within your mind that IS a voice and NOT a voice and if allowed to flow it is quite profound.  I only can remember I ADORED it.  It was my best friend and my greatest love.  So for 3 years (and then for 12 years after) I rarely missed a night to speak with this “voice.”  I would go during rainstorms and NJ winter blizzards, I even went during Hurricane Gloria.  I would have a dialogue about happy things and sad things, the mundane and the important.  I recently found 3 binders of 200+ songs and 2 poetry books I wrote from 14 to 28 years old.  There is some telling material in there.  Somehow I didn’t remeber this “kid” doing all this.  I know when I hear the album “The Edge” I wrote for my band it blows my mind I wrote those lyrics.  I wrote most of it at 16 to 18 years old but didn’t record it with a band until I was 31 years old!  I get emotional hearing it and am often heard saying “I knew! HE knew! That kid on some level knew the truth.”  I was referring to myself it felt like it was another lifetime…

3 years later I got my drivers license.  There was this place on the NJ shore called Sandy Hook.  It is a long 3 mile beach I spent much of my time at when I was a kid, and now that I was able to drive I was there…yup…EVERY night.  I picked a spot (I know now this was my sacred space)  which was illegal to be in after dark (We are talking about NJ after all).  I would park my car outside and walk in the park along the beach for a mile or so to this spot at Northbeach.  Or I would park my car inside the park and abandon it at sundown so they would think a beachgoer just left the park with someone else…I wouldn’t leave until morning. 

“It does not matter if you do not believe in HIM, for He believes in YOU…” ACIM

It’s funny but at the time I remember having this outward aversion to the word “God.”  The reason it’s funny is because here I was going through hell and high water (Literally) to speak with God and I resisted the word…I never used the word “God” in all my time on those beaches.  Instead I used the word “Soldier.”  I cringe when I think of THAT now.  Many people cringe using the word God…I find myself in the opposing mindset now.  I suppose the word “soldier” meant protector to me and force of security.  I called it “The soldier of the night,” “Soldier” for me since I was on intimate friendly terms with him. :-)

“Hello soldier, it’s me Keith, how are you? I’m not doing too well, I met this girl Leah and I know what your going to say about it. I really like her but I know it’s going to be a problem.”

“Yes it will be a struggle, but not a problem, but you have to learn to let go. I want to you to try everything you like, but I cannot help you to hurt yourself.”

It’s crazy. It was a patience like I never knew and a Love that I only could dream about.

On and on it went, year after year.  All weather and all moods.  I would take the 45 minute drive and rush to the beach at 2 am to tell the Soldier about my good fortune and at times cry on the way to tell Him about my horrible day.  Either way, He was my main focus.  I had girlfriends, careers and suffered deaths in my family and He was my main and only confidant.  I would bring my guitar to the beach and play for hours for Him, to Him, with Him.  I LOVED Him.  I would always leave and say :  "I Love you with all my heart Soldier" and He would say: “Keith, if you only knew how much I adore you and I miss you. I will NEVER leave you.” 

I sit now and think:  “was I crazy?”  But No, I never doubted it, I never thought; “Maybe I’m talking to nothing and making this all up.”  I KNEW what it was.  But, to not use the word God meant there was a part of my mind that was still angry with Him, I was resentful for not being made special.  But when I changed the name I was allowed to Love Him…and Oh boy did I!

It’s important to note I never asked for anything…when I did I relented and He reminded me that I already possessed all I needed, I forgot this for many years but somehow on that beach it made sense to me all those years.  I was just overjoyed to be there. I know now I was speaking with God the whole time.

This went on for 15 years…from 14 to 29.  But when the band (read: false idol) was allowed to take prominence in my mind I stopped going to “My quite place along a holy shore,” (lyrics from the song Soldier of the night written in 1984).  He faded from my conscious mind in 1995 and I stopped going.  * At this moment I am extremely emotional since It brings back tons of bad memories about my feelings of abandoning Him.  WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!?” My band was taking off with our 3^rd release of Mind Games in Japan and now we were getting tons of mail from these people worshipping us, worshipping ME especially; I was SO special and it would only get worse.

In 1998 after the release of “The Edge” the band exploded from within violently and publicly.  It was humiliating and devastating. I was dead inside and I felt there was no hope, within 5 weeks I lost ALL my friends, my money, my career, my Girlfriend of 7 years and my health (2 broken ribs).  I was hanging by a thread. It was my "crash," and it was the end of my life as I knew it.

But then HE showed up.  The cavalry showed up about 2 minutes after I fell and went to work guiding me and carrying me. I was bloodied and blown to bits and I was being healed.  Magical things started to happen some would call "Miracles" and I was consciously aware of only some of them.  I was numb, but I also remember that time as being wonderfully FREEING in so many ways…it’s hard to believe but I think of that devastating time of my life with smiles and reverence...wow.  What I was experiencing was what St John called: "The peace which passeth all understanding.”  In the light of what just happened to me, how can I feel this way? I thought.  How will I EVER be okay again?

He kept his word…he never left me.  Not once.  I left Him, but he never left me.  I have always been the most important thing to Him (As are you) and there is no way for me to change that even though I tried.  It is a Love that CANNOT be lost, but it can be forgotten. My loyalty for the “Soldier” goes far beyond what can be put into words…

I speak and listen to this voice daily...in fact it is "what I do." I am still in Love with the voice, it has told me everything I need to know.

Let’s just say I will always be on that “Quiet beach along the edge of time” for the rest of Eternity. 

Oh and by the way, yes this is where my band name originally came from.  Not even the band knew that.

Boats and Bridges

“True wisdom is always preceded by great suffering…” - Buddha

In Ancient Aramaic there is no word for “Wrong.”  There is only “Right” and “Not Right.”  In my office I usually explain this with a business card.  I have seen Dr. Michael Ryce use a Quarter.  Anything that has two sides will work…since it requires that two people sit on opposite sides of this object and “see” what it is they are SURE they see.  Of course the person on the other side…witnessing the same object sees a different side of the same object, story or event. 

Of course they are BOTH right…and it actuality they are both not right.

“The ego is only consistent in its inconsistency.”  (ACIM)

Recently I have read about these AGE toxins in high heated cooked foods.  They are responsible for the deterioration and aging process within all of us. Their full name is Advanced Glycation Endproducts and they are nasty things. 

I have read about Sugar, and how it is one molecular structure away from Heroine.  It must be bad for you.

I have seen how protein is good and carbs are bad and the opposite of that.  I have seen many holistic doctors knock the medical doctors and say that Cholesterol is a hoax and of course the MD’s fight back with their “evidence” and are sure that holistic doctors are “quacks.”  There are diets of all sorts…they even blame it on this overall thing called stress.  If I find something that says cashews are “good” for you, a report comes out that says they are “bad” for you.

Of course they are all right.  They are also not right.

“Everything in moderation, that’s the key.”  ~ Salvatore Victor Sudano

My Father said that line many times to me many moons ago.  When I think of it now and how powerfully he said it over and over.  I know that this man had many a Buddha moment.  This of course sounds like Buddha’s “Middle Way.” 

Let’s say I came to you and showed you a huge bolt I held in my hand that came from a bridge and said, “Look, I have a bridge!”  Am I right? 

If someone else came with a cable from the bridge and said “Look I have a bridge!” Is he right? 

And someone else with a truss from the bridge?  Are they right?

They are all right…and yet…they are not right as well.  But they are also not wrong either. 

This is what I believe is happening with the world.  I honor it because people are challenging and striving.  BUT, when they claim, “I have THE answer” they are only seeing a “piece” of this puzzle.  A part of the whole.  Remember that line above from the ACIM:  if there is inconsistency it is of the ego.  THAT means if it is not ALWAYS like that it is not real or correct.  Anyone who has ever dieted can attest to the fact that doing different diets produce the results of losing weight.  But they are temporary since they miss the whole.  They miss the head space of WHY this person thinks weight is important, of why this person is holding on to this being their direction and their way.  It is like hiring the Police chief to find the murderer when HE is in fact…the murderer.

So instead of working from the top down, we are all dealing with the bottom up and somewhere in the middle.  Not that that is a bad thing, indeed we must start with where we are.  BUT to say “I have found the solution” and you point at something external or some external world teaching is the folly.  THESE world teachings are only partials…they miss the bridge, they miss the whole.

So why do we do this?  Why do all of us try and find the answer and THEN attach to it like this?  Because we are wired by the creator to seek and to FIND.  The ego on the other hand is taking that “seek” part and shifting the second part to NOT FIND.  After some time of seeking we become disillusioned since we have been seeking for the very thing that will never work.  We are terrified to be led astray.  But we keep on trying, idolizing anything and everything along the way.  We defend our new idols as if we are defending our very lives…because indeed we BELIEVE these idols equate to our very lives. We identify with them, make them the same as US.  “If I am not right about this belief, I am diminished…I am less than…”

So what is the solution?   It is to challenge.  NOT to get the “form” of it right…but to CHALLENGE in ALL of its aspects.

Go out and see the bolt in the bridge, call it THE bridge, claim it as your new identity, worship it, defend it.  Then it ultimately fails you.

Go out and see the cable in the bridge, call it THE bridge, claim it as your new identity, worship it, defend it.  Then it ultimately fails you.

Go out and see the Truss in the bridge, call it THE bridge, claim it as your new identity, worship it, defend it.  Then it ultimately fails you.

Now you become disillusioned.  You begin to move away from worshipping THINGS, you become cynical and begin to worship ANTI-THINGS. 

Go out and see the politics (etc..).  Denounce it & call it THE problem, claim it as your new identity, worship it, defend it.  Then it ultimately fails you. 

Go out and see Religion. Call yourself an Atheist. Denounce religion & call it THE problem, claim this position as your new identity, worship it, defend it.  Then it ultimately fails you. 

Go out and see the Atheists. Call yourself a person of God. Denounce them & call them THE problem, claim that as your new identity, worship it, defend it. Then it ultimately fails you. 

Go out and see the people. Denounce them & call it THEM problem, claim this belief as your new identity, worship it, defend it.  Then it ultimately fails you. 

Go out and see the world. Call yourself a reasonable person or a realist. Denounce it & call the world THE problem, claim it as your new identity, worship it, defend it.  Then it ultimately fails you. 

Now comes pain, disillusionment times a thousand.  Whether you are FOR something or AGAINST it it is all the same. You are let down by RELYING (read: idolizing) on it. You give up…and then:

The peace which passeth all understanding.  Somewhere you get a huge truth.  You realize all your little beliefs and idols are not true (the perceptions and parts are not the bridge). The parting of the egoic clouds has begun.

Now your teaching can begin.  So you set out on a journey to realize THE Bridge, The WHOLE Bridge, The WHOLE story, The WHOLE truth. 

One must begin by challenging everything one can in the world.  To attach to beliefs is not a bad thing in the overall process even though ultimately it is not correct.  It is necessary to get to a point of realizing idolizing is a failure, a huge bomb.  Taking positions and beliefs is necessary to this world so we ultimately become sick and tired of it failing us.  Think of how many different beliefs you do than you did when you were a kid, 10 years ago, 5 years ago…last year even.  You will have different beliefs tomorrow than you do today.  So why fight for them?

To learn that no idol will ever serve you and make you happy. You have tried to make an idol make you happy.

The key to this is knowing THAT is what you are doing.  So can you name some persons, places, things, events, beliefs, histories that you are currently idolizing?

Awe

I want to post something in regards to awe.  Space can trigger awe in me, the size the depth...the magnitude.  It brings me out of my little perspective, helps me to understand my little issues mean absolutely nothing.  Imagine going into space and everything you have ever known, ever seen, ever imagined, ever felt, done, will do, had, will have is here...on this tiny blue sphere in space.  My ego takes a beating when I look into space...I feel small, and then the words...I created that?  The Beautiful Insanity...

I often study infinite regression and infinite egression.  Imagine...

Take a look at this site.  I suggest starting with the scroll all the way to the right and slowly going backwards... ***SITE SEEMS TO BE WORKING AGAIN, HOPEFULLY IT WILL REMAIN THAT WAY. PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF IT DOESN'T AT ANY POINT.

http://htwins.net/scale2/?bordercolor=white

Identity and Ownership

Ownership?  

How can this be possible, how can one “own” anything when it is inherently temporary?  When I looked it up in the dictionary I found many definitions but all had one thing in common.  They said nothing.  They referred to the word “owner” or “own.”  They all brought me into en endless loop, a cycle of hyperbole so to speak.  It reminded me of Adolf Hitler speaking, saying much and saying nothing at all, the usual superfluous ramblings and hollow rants of a buffoon.

 

I looked up Ownership and it referred me to the word:  “Possession.”

So I looked THAT up and it said “nothing.”  Here is what it said: 

1. The act or fact of possessing.

2. The state of being possessed.

Okay then so I looked up “possessing” and here is what it said: 

To have as belonging to one; have as property; own: to possess a house or a car.

So I realized that also means “nothing” so I looked up “Have” and this is what it said:

to possess; own; hold for use; contain: He has property.

(This brought me back to the words “own” and “possess” which both say nothing.

How about “Belong:”

a. to be the property of: The book belongs to her

Okay, off to find the meaning of “Property…this should yield some results right?  Wrong! 

That which a person owns; possession or possessions of a particular owner. They lost all their property in the fire.

WHAT!?  Not the word “Possession” & “owns” again! An endless loop straight back to the void.  My conclusion again: We are making this ALL up!

In Aramaic there is no real word for ownership.  In fact in early Hebrew although there is no word for “doubt” they used the word “Adon” which means absolute ownership and control, for God.

So the more we take a deeper look at this the more obvious it becomes that ownership is all made up, a fabrication, a sleight of hand.  It is a word designed to get us to believe that it is possible to make something yours.

In this never ending conundrum I prefer the Latin meaning of the word “Identity” (Idem) “to make same.” This is clearly what we are all doing anytime we think we can own something.  Since everything you feel you own is nothing but temporary it can be nothing short of insanity to attempt to own anything.  Before I understood (understanding it does not mean that I do it 100% yet) it was made of nothing I thought it had some true permanence, to “own” something was real, it was mine…

But what if this is all just truly about an ego attempt to make what WE are (since we have long forgotten) connected with objects and form?  Along with our stories and our history.

This would be a serious issue.  It would be another nail in the coffin of the ego if we truly KNEW that attempting to possess, own or have anything was not even possible. It would cease all of those future anxieties in a heartbeat, things such as: want, desire & craving.

Ahhhh, so this is why letting go of possessions is the Masters way.  It is part of the Toa, the Bible, the main Buddhist teachings and of course: The Course.  But we are not just speaking about owning things, but the “need” to own things, the “need” to possess ideas, things, stories, events and concepts. 

However that is a massive undertaking.  Let’s just speak of things for now.  How many of you “own” your house? If you thought “me, I do” you have absolutely fallen into that trap.  Even if you felt like I was going to put you on the hotseat and differentiate you from others who do NOT own their house, you have fallen prey to the ego.   The fact is that you CANNOT own anything as we pointed out earlier.  But deep within the recesses of your mind you think this is possible.  You think that you and your house are the same.  You fell prey to what you learned via the ego about what you are not.  You learn that you are made more viable and valuable by “owning” something.  Something of “permanence” like land and a hollow block of wood and mortar arranged in some order. You feel special…better…more worthy.  You have learned the egos lesson well. 

There is an army of people out there who believe this story and teach it to you daily.  They have set up their lives to convince you that you NEED these things.  Every newspaper, TV commercial, magazine and every single advertisement is there to convince you that you NEED them. To drive that new vehicle is not just driving a new vehicle, it is part of YOU.  This is why we spend $50,000+ for a device we can get the same results from if it were the $15,000 model (or comparable: ie an truck to a truck, a car to a car, etc…).  Why do I need THAT label on there?  I can OWN THAT house, that outfit, that device, unit, appliance, tool, house, car, boat, spouse significant other, children, vacation, etc…   I want it to look good be good and sound good.  I want and NEED to possess it AND deep within my mind it needs to be as close to “best” (because someone else says or thinks it is) as possible, because it IS ME.  To add more spice to it, it is better if everyone else knows I “own” it also. I now have others that agree with me.  So I’m going to show and tell everyone about the new vacation, car, house, item…this makes me MORE…I am special…but I thought special always meant “MORE!”  No…special means “Separate” not more.  We are trying to make it mean “more,” but this is NOT working.

Think to yourself right now, how many times have you compared your possessions (identities) with others’?    If you felt disappointment in your child you have done it, if you felt better than, with your house you have done it. 

We are constantly measuring ourselves with others via their possessions, “accomplishments” and oh, lets not forget…our appearance.

YET, the punchline of this whole story, in fact, is that it is ALL temporary.  The house will fade and decay, the car will stop running. The world will end, the universe will end and long before that, your body your memory your “accomplishments” and your possessions will decay and be completely forgotten.  All of it in the blink of an eye in the Universes’ perspective.

To get perspective on this, imagine you contract a deadly form of Cancer and you now have only a few days or weeks to live.  Truly think about that…what do you value?  Does the money matter anymore?  How about the BMW, the Nice house and the status you have in the community?  Notice how small you feel, how closed in yet how liberated.  How taking inventory of your life is quite simple now.  What you valued in a shocking moment you do not value any longer.   Now if you can feel that for at least a nanosecond then what is it you are feeling the other 99.999999999% of the time?  

That’s right, Identity.  The idea of having, owning or possessing something, someone or some ideal making you like “it.”  It is the idea of something making you more…and this is a fruitless search.  There is also the goal of occupying your mind so you need not think of anything I’m saying here, to never think of death, to ignore it so you will never have to truly face the truth…this is NOT what you are.

You also realize something else…you may have wasted a lot of time “owning.”

The truth is Identity was already given you.  You are what the maker of you says you are and this bothers us deeply to our core.  We want to be the ones that have the only say in what we are…but sadly we do not.  We can REMEMBER what we ALREADY are and that’s that. Our attempt at Identity is an attempt to rewrite ourselves, to point at something we give value to and say: “That is my worth because that is mine…it is ME.”  But we will never be right…that can never be true. You can convince yourself you are what you say, and then you will believe it but that does NOT make it true. Then you will realize the true definition of suffering.  If you have EVER suffered, ever, you are trying to convince yourself you are something you are not.  You are attempting to tell the painter what the painting means and was created for.  It is because you are on another fruitless search for the impossible…to be something you are not.

Once again, this is why “letting” go of things, ideas, concepts and history is the masters way.

I am hoping we can keep this one going in the comments.  Feel free to expand or expound on this.

Notes on the way...

1. The purpose of life is to heal you and to bring you joy! Anything less is Self-Inflicted Nonsense.
2. We will define the output of the human mind as reality. In ancient times, called the 'mind of man.'
3. Pretending someone else causes your mind's disturbing output is projection.
4. Blaming another for your reality (the output of your mind) is irresponsible and the key to being a victim.
5. Thinking and feeling like a victim is self-destructive and compromises one's mental, emotional, physical, relationship and financial health.
6. Pain is the energy that results from holding onto disintegrative energy and/or negative thoughts. Pain warns of the need for tools to release stored negativity and create internal healing.
7. Forgiveness (changing your reality, the output of your mind) is the only PERMANENT solution.
8. Forgiving is NOT about others, rather, it is an internal healing process.
9. Understanding the principles behind transition is simple but not always easy.
10. It takes commitment and work to heal yourself of patterns that have continued, often, for generations!
11. The rewards are beyond what the mind in pain can conceive.

 

I Will Coutinue

To Listen Deeply, And Not Go Sleep

The most important job in the world & Forgiveness

“There never was a time an idol brought me anything except the 'gift' of guilt. Not one was bought except at cost of pain, nor was it ever paid by me alone.” (ACIM: T-30.V.10:3-4)

"I want to do the most important job in the world!" That's what I stated to my Mother when I was 14, and I was serious. I one time saw an article in the late 1980's about fortune 500 CEO's being asked: "if you could have any job on Earth, what would it be?" The overwhelming answer was "famous musician or actor." That's it...that's what I would do.  We all have some addiction…fame and notoriety were/are mine.

I warp you ahead 25 years. I spent many years trying to make music and did. I stood on stages in many places and played with many good (and sometimes great), and not so good musicians. But in the end I did not become "famous." I am fairly unknown, residing in a sleepy corner of South Carolina...led here by an unseen force. I play guitar, light barbecues and go on 2 week vacations. But...

…What is that feeling!?

I want to be, feel, be known as...important. 

The problem is I am not. The good thing is I am not.

I recently did a search online for an old friend. He was extremely talented as I can remember, sort of a child prodigy. He could play numerous instruments and he was a wonderful composer. On top of all that he was a nice guy, the type you just had to like.  The seemingly innocent type.

When I looked him up I was shocked to see his website, (not for that reason...everyone has a website nowadays) but he was composing music now in front of entire orchestras for video games and movie scores. He lives in LA now...a classic cliché, with his Bio on IMDB.com. 

Two feelings went through me. One was a joy for him, "it couldn't happen to a nicer guy" (even though I had not seen him in 20 years) I immediately thought. The music is beautiful (him and I secretly loved Yanni, yes, we were in the closet Yanni listeners) and I went to Amazon to purchase his music. 

The second feeling was more disguised, a sickness and a twinge of sadness. I have felt this before...a feeling of unimportance, of littleness. I was in pain and under attack. I need to get out there and DO something…be important, be noticed!  I have to write something, make music, speak….ahhhhhh!

My job as a counselor now requires that I assist many people from a vast myriad of backgrounds. I see street pavers, nurses, teachers, lawyers, doctors, actors, musicians housewives and even many therapists, etc...the list goes on and on. Yes some are well known and considered famous and some are not. But all are the same to me in a way. The only way that matters. 

I discovered over the decade and a half of working intimately with the depth of people’s hearts a few things. 

Everyone seemed the same: Sure, they had different wants, wishes and experiences.  BUT, they all had the same core wants wishes and experiences.  The same as I, the same as each other.  The problem is also the same, our wish to be happy cannot be found in outside sources but we try…and try…and try.  I recently read a quote by Edward Deci at the University of Rochester. It provides further evidence for this conclusion. It suggests that achieving goals like wealth, fame and physical attractiveness not only doesn't make us happy, but it actually makes us feel worse. True happiness, in Deci's words, comes instead from "growing as an individual, having loving relationships, and contributing to your community."

I know and understand this and I teach this on a daily basis.  This is a truth of things and a teaching of all great Masters. But to live the teachings of the masters and of our evolution is a whole different animal.  But unlike so many assumptions as to the goal of Spiritual and psychological pathways it is not the absence of these feelings which defines our growth, but what we do when we experience these feelings of pain and attack.  Yes, we would not be here if we had no problems, no worries or fears.  We would not be self creating a discord within the very fabric of self.  So we must work at it, we must be vigilant and fight our asses off to struggle through the muck and go in the other direction.  The one of peace, happiness…the one of God.  We all have to work at that…not because of Him, but because of us.  We are so used to believing that happiness lies in the wrong direction we are like Pavlov’s dogs, predictable and compliant to the egos whims.  We are sheep headed out to slaughter every time we choose an idol (read: addiction).  It will NEVER work yet like a moth headed towards the flame we commit spiritual and psychological suicide each and every time. 

“An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.” –Sir Issac Newton

 

The second part of Newton’s law states the object must be acted upon by an unbalanced force.  I always wanted it to say “a more balanced” force.  But of course Newton is speaking about Physics and in physics, balance is akin to continuity. 

 But what about matters of the mind and Love?  If we keep doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result, some have called that insanity.  Indeed it is, so what’s the solution?  To add that “unbalanced force” or more balanced.  We must be aware, and then we MUST choose to do something about all of this first.  We attempt to quarantine the urine on the swimming pool each time we ignore the issue.  For an issue cannot BE ignored.  It doesn’t really go anywhere; there is no corner we can run away from our own thoughts. A thought cannot BE gotten rid of, it can only be transformed.  You can “forget” something consciously, but your unconscious mind will always remember and it will enact the process of those thoughts upon you.  

So I felt bad.  In order to exact that more balanced force upon the momentum of the ego I prayed and most of all I forgave.  I did a process forged thousands of years ago to help me.  I went through each step of the forgiveness process feeling awful as I did.  It was like regurgitating all that Goo I ate earlier in my life.  I hate vomiting, so I always avoided it…not this time, I want to feel better. I did another, and another…I was vigilant, persistent.  But not for my demise this time, but instead for my will to be happy, to Love, to be at peace…for God. I was doing real forgiveness. Not the kind in which we absolve someone for what they did to “us” but forgiveness that states nothing really ever occurred at all. This takes work, the concept is sound on every level…but to live it, hmmmm.  Forgiveness in Ancient Aramaic is pronounced: Shbag, it means to cancel out.  I WANT to cancel out these insane thoughts, but I cannot do it myself.  I cannot transform them alone; a problem truly cannot be solved by the mind that created it.

12 forgiveness sheets later…

I felt better, slowly, surely.  I didn’t care about all that stuff I felt earlier, I felt peaceful free of anxiety, of guilt.  I let go,  Hmmm, 30 minutes earlier I felt only terrible, rushed and like a failure.  I felt like I had to get something done…accomplish more…set goals, expand the purpose…have a purpose…a new purpose?

Now I could care less…My goal again has become God.  It was never so clear to me that the only reason for goals (idols) in this world is to keep us away from God. The new trip, possession, job, project, fame (or the quest thereof) etc…But here I was in the incredible contrast.  Going from EXTREME anxiety to EXTREME calm in 30 minutes. Seeing everything as backwards from how I did earlier.  In the past this is something I would never have done…I would have attempted to bury it that illusive place we all do…the “back of the mind,” the place that does not exist only to watch it resurface its ugly head a few months or years down the road with a vengeance.  This was the unbalanced force throwing the ego off kilter I required.  I needed my will to be enacted.  TRULY to NOT want to feel and think this way, I had to have enough!

I don’t want to be famous, to be larger than life; since I am life. I don’t want to want.  I want to know that I already have.  

So I forgave…

So here I am, relatively unknown by the multitudes…sitting in a small office somewhere in South Carolina. I am doing the work my creator would have me do.  Something never dreamed of in my youth and something not even on my scale.  I fly under the radar and…I am peaceful, content and happy.

I truly do have the most important job in the world.

Keith

The sword used against another.

The sword used against another will be used against you…

For most of my life I have experienced this phenomenon where I delved into the hard places…the places where others I shared life with did not wish to go.  The depth of the mind where the ego hides things through fear so as to keep us away from ultimate truth.  To discover this, the mastery has called it “enlightenment.”  But it is a long hard road; because it is so unfamiliar….it is going to be scary…at first.

Working with so many people every day, and working with that deep spiritual teacher that resides within us and delving into these depths has given me incredible amounts of insight into how the ego works.  There is an aspect of that which I would like to discuss here. 

Often I say to folks who come to see me; “if much of what I say is not uncomfortable for you at first, run.”  The reason behind this is simple.  If our way of doing and seeing things is failing (which is precisely why we are seeking assistance) then we NEED to hear another view.  One that will be unfamiliar to us but strangely reminiscent of truth.  We KNOW what is right, we just cannot remember it therefore implement it and therefore it will feel uncomfortable, bad…but somehow…right.  So, it is a positive aspect that the teacher we seek out is telling us things that challenge our way and certainly at times we downright think we hate them for it. 

I feel many professional counselors and healers may miss this point.  They may have not dealt with the darkness within themselves to an adequate degree in order to assist others at that point in time.  They “care” what the student thinks of them to such a degree so therefore they become ineffective to the student/client/patient.  They will not say the truth because they are worried about their image. All of us learn to say what the world believes is appropriate, we all believe we know what being “loving” looks and sounds like as if that is a static aspect.  But is that true?  Some of the most loving actions I have taken in my office were seen as a threat by the person who came to see me for assistance.  I am "threatening" their ego’s view of the world and they do NOT wish to let this go.  I do not mean anything that is physically threatening or violent whatsoever. I am speaking about threatening to their mindset…the way they WANT to view the world; the very core of the issue which will prompt someone to seek help in the first place.

I started noticing a discrepancy in some healers/counselors specifically in what they said they believed on their websites/literature and what they were saying about others in the world (to me directly or by proxy through indirect writings).  I have heard other speak ill of me/others and then go to their websites and read things such as “it would be a much better world if we could just get along.”  This is not evil; it is just the hypocritical trademark of the ego.  I am glad it is there though, it is obvious…and we WANT an obvious ego.  But to these folks it is not so obvious so therefore they spend much time defending that very ego.

I urge all people on a spiritual journey to remember these words: “The ego loves nothing more that to appear spiritual.”  Watch your teacher.  Do they shroud gossip with intellect, subterfuge or self righteousness?  Do they make a case for how others are wrong and they are right (please remember sometimes it is necessary to speak how something may not be right, but you can tell when they wish to just “prove” someone else wrong)?  Do they just want to be liked by you and therefore enable you to keep doing the same things over and over? Do they teach you there are control factors outside of us that “make” us feel the way we do, i.e. Evil spirits or energies? No matter how benign that sounds it is still something outside of you. 

In truth nothing can make you “feel” anything.  One can set off a trigger inside of you, but in the end you get to decide (even though it appears like programming) how you see, and feel about anything.  Physical, mental and emotional this is the still the truth.  No matter how it is shrouded by someone, if they are not teaching you that YOU are the cause and the world is effect you will be unable to heal yourself.  Simply because they are teaching you that it is not YOU who are creating the situation…someone or something else is.  And one cannot change the world, only their perception of it.  If you do not, you will keep running into your “why is this happening again” story.  Different names, faces and events but the same old feeling about those names, places and events residing within you.  In the end, what negative things they say of others will be said about you; and it will be coming from a most "unlikely" source...them…eventually…in fact they already most likely feel that way, the thought already resides within them.

Remember this: When Mr. A speaks about Mr. B, we learn more about Mr. A than we do about Mr. B.

Let’s speak about God for a moment.  If they change the wording to Goddess, Universe, Spirit, Mother Earth, etc…they are missing the point.  Why change the word?  If it makes you feel uncomfortable this is your first lesson to transform your perception about God (more about this on my post God Notes).  The word God has no meaning except what you give it…change your meaning if you don’t like it.  If you change the word, you are teaching yourself that all you have to do is change the world and everything will be A-Okay. We call this rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. If you cannot transform the word “God” in your mind how do you expect to transform how you see the world?  How you see irritation, anger, fear, anxiety, depression, etc?  I used to see that word as threatening too.  But was I angry at God really, the word?  No, I was angry at what others decided they wanted to tell me that word points to and means.  In the words of Deepak Chopra: “God is more unlike what you think than what you think” and “God is not only stranger than you think, it’s stranger than you can think.”  So we have no idea conceptually of what that word actually points to.  It is within all of us, but why do we all run away from the word when we hear it?  Certainly not because of the word really.  But of what our experience by OTHERS meaning of the word was.  For suppression and fear, to conquer and keep us all in line.  Do not confuse God with whoever “THEY” are to you.  We all have experiences of others trying to tell us who or what God is.  We learned He is punitive, He is judgmental, distant, disconnected and a HE or SHE.

St. Augustine said: “God created us in his image and we returned the favor.” Yes, in our "infinite wisdom" they made God into a person and WE keep that mistake going. Complete in our minds with a flowing white beard and certainly with a temper. But this was never really the case…this was OUR doing.  We allowed others, the ones who came before us and the ones before them (The sins of the Father) to create an image of God for us.  This was the most insane of the egos tactics, so many of us have even attempted to abandon the mere idea of God.  To remove God from our sight. We have become anti theists and anti Intellects (agnostic) And their "opposite", dogmatists and zealots (they are in reality the same).  Anything to further the ego’s agenda of appearing more spiritual and keeping us from ultimate truth.

Gods is nothing of those things you have heard.   If you can picture God…that’s not it. God is not thinkable…but certainly knowable.  When one understands how this all works they will be able to translate all the worlds’ religions and make sense of them, seeing through it all transparently. As well, science will flow seamlessly into all of it.

Take God back.  He is not punitive, He is NOT distant, He is not creating pain or death.  So…if He is not any of that, who is creating all of this pain and suffering?  That is the subject of another entry.  Also, yes I am saying the word “He” not because I am envisioning a gender…I have translated that word.  That is the word that was used…I have changed my mind about IT, not moved IT to meet my mind.

My next entry will be called: “Those who revile you” and will dovetail into this one.  Keep posted.