No this is not some sort of reference to the Phantom of the
Opera…that was “The music of the night,” and I wouldn’t be so cliché’. :) In addition this all happened way before I personally ever heard of the Phantom anyway.
I wanted to tell a story about listening, about what it is
like to hear that “voice” within.
Recently,(which is very odd) I remembered a huge part of my
life and the significance it has had. I
am not sure why this information did not bubble up on a more massive scale
sooner, I remember telling people about it in my office. But at the time I didn’t realize the significance.
I grew up near the beach, two blocks away to be
specific. A 45 second walk would be all
it took to be on the Raritan Bay
overlooking the New York City
skyline with the two very obvious and iconic twin towers outside my bedroom
window. I remember when the World Trade
center attack happened and people were stunned…for me it was like losing two
friends I grew up with. My brother helped
build them and we had a 50 lb granite ashtray from the Towers right on my car
port. I was devastated when that happened...I didn't know why I had such a huge reaction at the time, they were only buildings...
When I was about 14 years old I started a journey…at the
time my Mom called it a “phase.” But it
was more than that…this phase lasted for 15 years and is still going in a various form. I would wait until evening and then take my
trek down to the beach. I stared at the
Ocean and one day I started talking to it. I can still remember my first words; “Hello? Are you there still? It’s me, Keith.” Part of my mind felt funny, strange and hokey but then there was this side of me that longed for something. I was on some journey to locate a distant
connection and it was not going to stop.
I believe there was a reason I would go at night though, I did like the
atmosphere but that wasn’t the only reason.
What I was doing seemed even strange to me then and part of me was hiding it. Part of my mind wanted nothing to do with this ancient call, this relationship with the Ocean, the Dark, with...
After I put that question out there I remember this extremely
short pause…and then, it spoke back. “I
am here, I’ve been waiting for you.” I
remember tears welling up in my eyes for some reason…I was losing control and
it was a crazy feeling to experience it.
I let go…more easy than expected.
I imagined I went through many lifetimes where I resisted doing
something like this, but now I was ready...somehow I knew this. It spoke again: “I have many things planned for you but it’s
going to be hard, but always remember I love you.” I remember LOVING this voice IMMEDIATELY. I was blown away and in extreme awe. I lost all control.
“I know.” I said calmly. I've always known.
It was an androgynous voice, and the truth is it’s not even a
voice so to speak. It is a dialogue
within your mind that IS a voice and NOT a voice and if allowed to flow it is quite profound. I only can remember I ADORED it. It was my best friend and my greatest
love. So for 3 years (and then for 12 years after) I rarely missed a
night to speak with this “voice.” I
would go during rainstorms and NJ winter blizzards, I even went during Hurricane Gloria. I would have a dialogue about happy things
and sad things, the mundane and the important. I recently found 3
binders of 200+ songs and 2 poetry books I wrote from 14 to 28 years old. There is some telling material in there. Somehow I didn’t remeber this “kid” doing all
this. I know when I hear the album “The
Edge” I wrote for my band it blows my mind I wrote those lyrics. I wrote most of it at 16 to 18 years old but
didn’t record it with a band until I was 31 years old! I get emotional hearing it and am often
heard saying “I knew! HE knew! That kid on some level knew the truth.” I was referring to myself it felt like it was another lifetime…
3 years later I got my drivers license. There was this place on the NJ shore called Sandy
Hook. It is a long 3 mile
beach I spent much of my time at when I was a kid, and now that I was able to
drive I was there…yup…EVERY night. I
picked a spot (I know now this was my sacred space) which was illegal to be in after dark (We are talking about NJ after all). I would park my car outside and walk in the
park along the beach for a mile or so to this spot at Northbeach. Or I would park my car inside the park and
abandon it at sundown so they would think a beachgoer just left the park with
someone else…I wouldn’t leave until morning.
“It does not matter if
you do not believe in HIM, for He believes in YOU…” ACIM
It’s funny but at the time I remember having this outward
aversion to the word “God.” The reason
it’s funny is because here I was going through hell and high water (Literally)
to speak with God and I resisted the word…I never used the word “God” in all my
time on those beaches. Instead I used
the word “Soldier.” I cringe when I
think of THAT now. Many people cringe
using the word God…I find myself in the opposing mindset now. I suppose the word “soldier” meant protector
to me and force of security. I called it
“The soldier of the night,” “Soldier” for me since I was on intimate friendly
terms with him. :-)
“Hello soldier, it’s
me Keith, how are you? I’m not doing too well, I met this girl Leah and I know
what your going to say about it. I really like her but I know it’s going to be
a problem.”
“Yes it will be a
struggle, but not a problem, but you have to learn to let go. I want to you to
try everything you like, but I cannot help you to hurt yourself.”
It’s crazy. It was a patience like I never knew and a Love that I only could dream about.
On and on it went, year after year. All weather and all moods. I would take the 45 minute drive and rush to
the beach at 2 am to tell the Soldier
about my good fortune and at times cry on the way to tell Him about my horrible day. Either way, He was my main focus. I had girlfriends, careers and suffered
deaths in my family and He was my main and only confidant. I would bring my guitar to the beach and play
for hours for Him, to Him, with Him. I
LOVED Him. I would always leave and say
: "I Love you with all my heart Soldier" and He
would say: “Keith, if you only knew how much I adore you and I miss you. I will
NEVER leave you.”
I sit now and think: “was
I crazy?” But No, I never doubted it, I
never thought; “Maybe I’m talking to nothing and making this all up.” I KNEW what it was. But, to not use the word God meant there was
a part of my mind that was still angry with Him, I was resentful for not being
made special. But when I changed the
name I was allowed to Love Him…and Oh boy did I!
It’s important to note I never asked for anything…when I did
I relented and He reminded me that I already possessed all I needed, I forgot this for many years but somehow on that beach it made sense to me all those years. I was just overjoyed to be there. I know now
I was speaking with God the whole time.
This went on for 15 years…from 14 to 29. But when the band (read: false idol) was allowed
to take prominence in my mind I stopped going to “My quite place along a holy shore,” (lyrics from the song Soldier
of the night written in 1984). He faded
from my conscious mind in 1995 and I stopped going. * At this moment I am extremely emotional since
It brings back tons of bad memories about my feelings of abandoning Him. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!?” My band was
taking off with our 3rd release of Mind Games in Japan
and now we were getting tons of mail from these people worshipping us, worshipping ME especially; I was SO special and it would
only get worse.
In 1998 after the release of “The Edge” the band exploded
from within violently and publicly. It
was humiliating and devastating. I was dead inside and I felt there was no hope,
within 5 weeks I lost ALL my friends, my money, my career, my Girlfriend of 7
years and my health (2 broken ribs). I
was hanging by a thread. It was my "crash," and it was the end of my life as I knew it.
But then HE showed up.
The cavalry showed up about 2 minutes after I fell and went to
work guiding me and carrying me. I was bloodied and blown to bits and I was being healed. Magical things started to happen some would call "Miracles"
and I was consciously aware of only some of them. I
was numb, but I also remember that time as being wonderfully FREEING in so
many ways…it’s hard to believe but I think of that devastating time of my life with smiles and reverence...wow. What I
was experiencing was what St John
called: "The peace which passeth all understanding.” In the light of what just happened to me, how
can I feel this way? I thought. How will I EVER be
okay again?
He kept his word…he never left me. Not once.
I left Him, but he never left me.
I have always been the most important thing to Him (As are you) and
there is no way for me to change that even though I tried. It is a Love that CANNOT be lost, but it can
be forgotten. My loyalty for the “Soldier” goes far beyond what can be put
into words…
I speak and listen to this voice daily...in fact it is "what I do." I am still in Love with the voice, it has told me everything I need to know.
I speak and listen to this voice daily...in fact it is "what I do." I am still in Love with the voice, it has told me everything I need to know.
Let’s just say I will always be on that “Quiet beach along the edge of time” for
the rest of Eternity.
Oh and by the way, yes this is where my band name originally
came from. Not even the band knew that.
