Stop listening to others

As many of you know, I have always been a creator of music.  I have within me a profound desire to create a symphony every so often so intense that I have recently come to realize it will never just go away or vanish.  I have tried to squelch it in the past.  So many hurtful memories were associated with it and wrapped around it that I just couldn’t look at it; I would not allow myself to hear it. 

I take you back about 3 to 4 years ago.  I had little desire to play music.  I remembered the wonderful days long ago when I would adore it but to think about it a few years ago sent waves of pain through me.  It was one of my largest lessons in this world.  To deal with the regret and sorrow those memory traces held for me was my #1 Forgiveness subject for 10 years. But some strange thing happened back 3 years ago.  I started building a “music room” in my house.  The guitars made sense…I like guitars.  The drums made sense since I was a drummer for years when I was younger.  The keyboard made sense because I played some keyboards on the songs I made with the band and you can use it as a Midi sampler.  Now…the Bass was a little strange.  It is an instrument I have had very little contact with and resonance with.  Within the band I was the singer/ songwriter and composer.  I acted like a conductor at every stage.  Pre production was my middle name and there is a video I just placed on youtube from back in 1999 where my role is obvious.  As well as videotaping the practice session, I was guiding the music within the song…”my” song that they were playing. I was videotaping for an Australian TV station that wanted to do a feature on us and I thought maybe we could film and they would edit it and piece some things worthwhile together.  But why buy the damn Bass?

The next thing I bought was some rack gear.  Compressors, delays, Exciters, Limiters, monitors and Microphones.  Not dynamic mics (the kind you would use onstage) but Condensers (the kind you record with). I even bought digital multitracks.  Now THIS was all completely strange.  I knew how to use very little of it.  We always had a professional sound engineer in a professional studio.  But all that Gain staging, mixing, editing and mastering were foreign to me in many ways, I wasn’t paying attention…or so I thought. Why did I pick the equipment I picked?  Why buy it if I didn’t know how to use it?

I thought maybe I was just trying to feel better about myself, to recapture the past, or maybe even because I have been a compulsive Aries at other times in my life.  Buying equipment because it had cool knobs and it softened the blow of a past that still rang bitter in my heart. The music room (or “studio”) sat for a few years silent.  I spent very little time in there and thought I should just sell everything off and make it a spare guestroom.  I remember walking past it with a feeling of dread since I had invested so much in it and used it practically nada.  Something would not allow me to get rid of ANYTHING. I tried to post much of it on Craigslist about a year ago and the circus I had during that experience with illusive buyers and no shows was too stupid to be discussed. It was obviously for a reason.

Then about 6 months ago my mind started engaging in music again.  I had a feeling to go into Digital Audio Workstations (All computer based recording).  This particular idea made me feel nauseous.  I thought I hated technology when it came to creating music.  I was in reality scared of it. A client of mine mentioned she used a particular program to create a small piece for a show she had done.  I thought “If she can do that, why can’t I?”  So I stared to study music creation again.  Today I am taking online classes from the Berklee College of Music on full music studio production. And I am learning a great many things…much of what only the people who visit my office would understand. Yes I am learning technical mumbo jumbo, but mainly I am learning I already know what to do.

I was reading a book about 2 weeks ago.  It was speaking about “Near field Monitors.”  These are Monitors studios use to listen to tracks they just recorded and are especially important during mixdown where the type of speakers you use can determine a bad mix or a good one.  In this book the author, who was a very accomplished sound engineer, spoke about how having Monitors with Bass reflex ports was unacceptable to true music production.  He had tons of facts and figures as to “why” this was the case.  It was like a scientific dossier on why Carbs are no good for you with flow charts and dynamic polar patterns all included.  The author pointed at the fact that so many professional studios had these monitors. He was right, I remembered they did (or did they?)…at least I remembered seeing them in the 6 studios we recorded in. I felt like I was punched in the gut and I scrambled…I had bought monitors 3 years earlier that did indeed have Bass reflex ports in them. I felt a sinking feeling…I was going to have to rebuild this whole studio from the ground up.  I started searching for monitors without those ports…and they were EXPENSIVE (monitors are already pricey but these were just stupid). 

But something was speaking to me.  I was going to pull the trigger on a new set of speakers but I felt internally “wrong” about it.  All these years of listening within has taught me that is a sign you are about to do something not in accordance with the will of the creator.  So I waited and I was still plagued by the feeling of having insufficient equipment.  But I had this thought within my mind, it was small but relentless. I KNEW this “voice.”  I knew it had the same feeling of truth in it as I can have about so many subjects.  It was the Voice.  I immediately went inward and asked “show me what this is for.”  I somehow knew what I had was sufficient and right and that I was given all I needed. I was safe.

The next morning I was browsing the internet and came upon a page (not by accident) that has PDF versions of books and there were two books I had seen that stuck out.  One was “How to play piano,” and another was “Equipping the professional Home studio.”  The piano book was great, It spoke to what I needed without giving me volumes of notation lessons.  The other book was a serious sign and I scrolled through the pages.  And YES of course this happened…I found myself on the chapter called “The question of Nearfield Monitors.”  The author (another non slouch with tons of credentials) explained the difference between monitors. Here is the excerpt I stopped at:

“So, to bring this into recording studio context, which should you choose? Should you choose a closed box loudspeaker which will give you a more accurate sound quality and tell you what is on your recording, or should you choose a bass reflex loudspeaker which in fact is going to fatten the base content of your recording? This is one situation where we have to go against the doctrine of nothing but the truth. If you monitor on closed box loudspeakers, you are hearing something that is different to what the vast majority of customers who will buy your recording will hear. So you don’t really know what it’s going to

sound like on their systems. It will probably have too much bass because their speakers have more bass than yours. So for this reason it is usually advisable to choose bass reflex speakers as your studio monitors so that you’re more in line with potential listeners to your music.”

Wow.  So, here I found two completely different views on the same subject (Shocker!).  Two “experts” disagreeing once again…oh my Lord how is this possible? :-) There it was, the nonsense I had been doing all my life.  I had a pair of speakers that I bought for seemingly NO REASON and a studio filled with equipment I bought in a state of ignorance and I didn’t realize I was being guided?  I went immediately and started looking at the equipment I bought. 

I wrote down model numbers and was already reading another book on Home recording I was guided to. It was common for me to read about the need for a piece of equipment and go in and find I already owned it.  That happened so many times I started assuming I had it hidden already.  MUCH of the time I was right.  Whatever I did buy I didn’t really need, so Amazon must have been frustrated from all the returns from Charleston within a few months.  The equipment I already had was well received with 5 stars on Amazon across the board.  Wow, how did that happen?  Where the Hell was I the whole time? Of course it would be that way, of course.

I already had what I needed.  I had the voice within.  It is the same voice I amplify for my clients on a daily basis.  For some reason to apply it to music was illusive to me.  It is the battle between my egos need for “more” and never being good enough and Gods knowing I am fine and perfect with what I am and what I have.  So in short I feel I’ve discovered the secret to living simply. It is this:
Put your hands over your ears. Close your eyes. Now loudly say, “La la la la la. I’m not listening to you!”

I’m serious. Sort of.

The number one key to living simply is to simply listen to God and stop listening so intently to everyone else around you or that incessant voice within you that says you somehow need more.

Now 15 years later I am creating music again. I am actually smiling when I am hearing it coming through the studio monitors (With Bass reflex ports).  I feel like a little kid inside and saw myself jumping for joy the other day when I was playing drums on a particular song and it sounded…well…”right.”  I am so in the now, so present during the making of music that I cannot call it anything else but deeply spiritual for me.

By the way, I will be creating a CD of my new material over the next coming months.  It is high time. :-)

But I don’t want to change

This may be a line I have never heard in all my years of doing this type of work.  But I am amazed at how often it is obvious to me that people that enter my office do not wish to change at all.  You may be thinking: “that’s just dumb, why would they waste their time and money if they don’t want to change.”  Well the answer is that they “think” they actually do.

Many times I get into mini battles within my office about this.  The fact is that I am in the business of stirring up people’s mud.  The goo at the bottom of their awareness they never wanted to deal with. 

Rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic. 

Anyone who comes to see me knows this line well.  I use it right from the get go referring to our desire to change our outward surroundings to try and feel better or “be happy.”  Yes, we feel that we can make our situation “work” somehow by making something else change.  If that person, that thing or that event would change, or if it would have been different…indeed it SHOULD have been different.  I should have, could have and would have.  I needed to, wanted to, have to.   All these are forms of the same thing, attempting to rearrange our environment to alter our feelings of depression and futility.  The problem is, it doesn’t work. 

The only thing that will ever work is shifting your own perceptions about the world.  For every belief you have there is someone that believes differently…who is right?  We think WE are of course.  But if all of us think WE are right, who wrong?  Neither. Like I pointed out in another blog there is no work for “wrong” in Aramaic (The mother tongue), only “right” and “not right.”  If we see the same situation we should all see it the same way right?  If a situation is static and clear as day then we should see it identical, right?  But that is not the case, since we are adding our own perceptions, experiences, history and biases on top of everything we witness.  It is like we walk around with paintbrushes that paint only a reflection of what we believe to be us (a combination of our own experiences, history, beliefs, thoughts & Form) and we swipe it across everything we see all the time.  Is that car nice?  It’s just a car and has no inherent meaning.  But Keith comes by and swipes his “Keith brush” and paints it Keith.  Si now the car to him is either ugly or beautiful, impractical or awesome.  It sounds like Keith “created” the car…which on a deeper level, he is. So what is the “car?”  It is none of these things…it is just a car…and it may not even be that, but that’s another post.

So after years and decades (and more) of this mindset we feel depressed.  Our way doesn’t seem to be working.  So we hate the world for being so unreasonable and standing in our obvious “correct” vision.  We become more and more disillusioned with every year becoming more and more difficult.  We have many “tools” to deal with this type of pain though.  We keep busy, we occupy our lives, we buy too many things, we work too much, we have “isms” and “ologies” and we eventually desensitize to what our beliefs and thoughts are actually doing. 

Now we suffer more and more.  Eventually these beliefs bring us into an office like mine.  We are at the end of our rope…or at least we “think” we are.  In reality we are just going to begin learning how far that rope goes.  In truth we are not aware.

I think any person I have ever seen within my office can tell you they either:

A)    Had no clue on exactly how deep their own and the worlds issues go.  They also had no idea of the magnitude of the scope of those issues.  They begin to go within, a slow self journey leaving the deck chairs behind and now dealing with their “own” issues which they now see were always “theirs.” 

B)     Know exactly what is wrong with them, feel they know how it works and explain to me how if they could just change this or that symptom everything would be okay and they would be happy. 

“They never come for the reasons they think” – ACIM

Most people who start out as “B” eventually become A’s.  But there is a small group who are determined to stay with “B.”  Even if their lives are falling apart, even if I can see exactly what it is they are not seeing (which is the reflection you come to see someone like me for), even if they are suffering greatly.  These people will fight me to not have the problem “worked out” in any other way but the one they just “Know” is going to work. 

They eventually (sometimes within minutes if not before they show up) become combative.  It then becomes clear to me there is a call that must be made.  Do I allow them to abuse the situation or let them go so we do not ruin their chances later?  It varies, but more and more over the years I am allowing it to go.  To end it before it becomes a reflection back to them.  I am a reflection of what they want to see also…if they want to see someone punitive (which we often do to reflect our beliefs about someone else in our lives…or God, or a past relationship), they will. This is called “Shadow figuring.”

“The ego’s dictum is to seek and do not find” –ACIM

So we hold onto our belief systems since it is what we believe to be our very life; our existence.  But we want it to appear like we want change.  This, we feel, makes us look innocent.  After all, we are seeking help to work on our problem right?  How many times have you started a project or venture or relationship and procrastinated?  You stuck to the idea though that you needed something more to continue?  More education? Another piece of equipment? The right circumstances?  Which never seem to happen.  “Just do it” is not happening.  Well, people also do that with their problems and their growth as well.  As long as the appointment at the counselor is there they don’t “really” have to deal with their issues.  It is just like another fallen New Years resolution…the intent seems innocent when there is a far more sinister mindset going on all the while.  The mindset they have is that they wanted to try and do another form of rearranging the deckchairs.It wants to never heal the problem…

This is why there is so little relative growth on that deeper level in the world.  We do not want it.  We all have friends and family we see complaining about their problems but always finding a way to remain in it.  It’s as if they love it when we can see so clearly what they are doing. But, be careful about saying that to anyone you know who does this.  To say “You don’t REALLY want to change” can elicit a biting response.  I am not saying to not call it out…but use it wisely if you are called to teach them.

The Soldier of the Night...

No this is not some sort of reference to the Phantom of the Opera…that was “The music of the night,” and I wouldn’t be so cliché’. :) In addition this all happened way before I personally ever heard of the Phantom anyway.

I wanted to tell a story about listening, about what it is like to hear that “voice” within. 

Recently,(which is very odd) I remembered a huge part of my life and the significance it has had.  I am not sure why this information did not bubble up on a more massive scale sooner, I remember telling people about it in my office.  But at the time I didn’t realize the significance. 

I grew up near the beach, two blocks away to be specific.  A 45 second walk would be all it took to be on the Raritan Bay overlooking the New York City skyline with the two very obvious and iconic twin towers outside my bedroom window.  I remember when the World Trade center attack happened and people were stunned…for me it was like losing two friends I grew up with.  My brother helped build them and we had a 50 lb granite ashtray from the Towers right on my car port. I was devastated when that happened...I didn't know why I had such a huge reaction at the time, they were only buildings...

When I was about 14 years old I started a journey…at the time my Mom called it a “phase.”  But it was more than that…this phase lasted for 15 years and is still going in a various form.  I would wait until evening and then take my trek down to the beach.  I stared at the Ocean and one day I started talking to it.   I can still remember my first words; “Hello?  Are you there still?  It’s me, Keith.”  Part of my mind felt funny, strange and hokey but then there was this side of me that longed for something.  I was on some journey to locate a distant connection and it was not going to stop.  I believe there was a reason I would go at night though, I did like the atmosphere but that wasn’t the only reason.  What I was doing seemed even strange to me then and part of me was hiding it. Part of my mind wanted nothing to do with this ancient call, this relationship with the Ocean, the Dark, with...

After I put that question out there I remember this extremely short pause…and then, it spoke back.  “I am here, I’ve been waiting for you.”  I remember tears welling up in my eyes for some reason…I was losing control and it was a crazy feeling to experience it.  I let go…more easy than expected.  I imagined I went through many lifetimes where I resisted doing something like this, but now I was ready...somehow I knew this.  It spoke again:  “I have many things planned for you but it’s going to be hard, but always remember I love you.” I remember LOVING this voice IMMEDIATELY. I was blown away and in extreme awe. I lost all control.

“I know.” I said calmly. I've always known.

It was an androgynous voice, and the truth is it’s not even a voice so to speak.  It is a dialogue within your mind that IS a voice and NOT a voice and if allowed to flow it is quite profound.  I only can remember I ADORED it.  It was my best friend and my greatest love.  So for 3 years (and then for 12 years after) I rarely missed a night to speak with this “voice.”  I would go during rainstorms and NJ winter blizzards, I even went during Hurricane Gloria.  I would have a dialogue about happy things and sad things, the mundane and the important.  I recently found 3 binders of 200+ songs and 2 poetry books I wrote from 14 to 28 years old.  There is some telling material in there.  Somehow I didn’t remeber this “kid” doing all this.  I know when I hear the album “The Edge” I wrote for my band it blows my mind I wrote those lyrics.  I wrote most of it at 16 to 18 years old but didn’t record it with a band until I was 31 years old!  I get emotional hearing it and am often heard saying “I knew! HE knew! That kid on some level knew the truth.”  I was referring to myself it felt like it was another lifetime…

3 years later I got my drivers license.  There was this place on the NJ shore called Sandy Hook.  It is a long 3 mile beach I spent much of my time at when I was a kid, and now that I was able to drive I was there…yup…EVERY night.  I picked a spot (I know now this was my sacred space)  which was illegal to be in after dark (We are talking about NJ after all).  I would park my car outside and walk in the park along the beach for a mile or so to this spot at Northbeach.  Or I would park my car inside the park and abandon it at sundown so they would think a beachgoer just left the park with someone else…I wouldn’t leave until morning. 

“It does not matter if you do not believe in HIM, for He believes in YOU…” ACIM

It’s funny but at the time I remember having this outward aversion to the word “God.”  The reason it’s funny is because here I was going through hell and high water (Literally) to speak with God and I resisted the word…I never used the word “God” in all my time on those beaches.  Instead I used the word “Soldier.”  I cringe when I think of THAT now.  Many people cringe using the word God…I find myself in the opposing mindset now.  I suppose the word “soldier” meant protector to me and force of security.  I called it “The soldier of the night,” “Soldier” for me since I was on intimate friendly terms with him. :-)

“Hello soldier, it’s me Keith, how are you? I’m not doing too well, I met this girl Leah and I know what your going to say about it. I really like her but I know it’s going to be a problem.”

“Yes it will be a struggle, but not a problem, but you have to learn to let go. I want to you to try everything you like, but I cannot help you to hurt yourself.”

It’s crazy. It was a patience like I never knew and a Love that I only could dream about.

On and on it went, year after year.  All weather and all moods.  I would take the 45 minute drive and rush to the beach at 2 am to tell the Soldier about my good fortune and at times cry on the way to tell Him about my horrible day.  Either way, He was my main focus.  I had girlfriends, careers and suffered deaths in my family and He was my main and only confidant.  I would bring my guitar to the beach and play for hours for Him, to Him, with Him.  I LOVED Him.  I would always leave and say :  "I Love you with all my heart Soldier" and He would say: “Keith, if you only knew how much I adore you and I miss you. I will NEVER leave you.” 

I sit now and think:  “was I crazy?”  But No, I never doubted it, I never thought; “Maybe I’m talking to nothing and making this all up.”  I KNEW what it was.  But, to not use the word God meant there was a part of my mind that was still angry with Him, I was resentful for not being made special.  But when I changed the name I was allowed to Love Him…and Oh boy did I!

It’s important to note I never asked for anything…when I did I relented and He reminded me that I already possessed all I needed, I forgot this for many years but somehow on that beach it made sense to me all those years.  I was just overjoyed to be there. I know now I was speaking with God the whole time.

This went on for 15 years…from 14 to 29.  But when the band (read: false idol) was allowed to take prominence in my mind I stopped going to “My quite place along a holy shore,” (lyrics from the song Soldier of the night written in 1984).  He faded from my conscious mind in 1995 and I stopped going.  * At this moment I am extremely emotional since It brings back tons of bad memories about my feelings of abandoning Him.  WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!?” My band was taking off with our 3^rd release of Mind Games in Japan and now we were getting tons of mail from these people worshipping us, worshipping ME especially; I was SO special and it would only get worse.

In 1998 after the release of “The Edge” the band exploded from within violently and publicly.  It was humiliating and devastating. I was dead inside and I felt there was no hope, within 5 weeks I lost ALL my friends, my money, my career, my Girlfriend of 7 years and my health (2 broken ribs).  I was hanging by a thread. It was my "crash," and it was the end of my life as I knew it.

But then HE showed up.  The cavalry showed up about 2 minutes after I fell and went to work guiding me and carrying me. I was bloodied and blown to bits and I was being healed.  Magical things started to happen some would call "Miracles" and I was consciously aware of only some of them.  I was numb, but I also remember that time as being wonderfully FREEING in so many ways…it’s hard to believe but I think of that devastating time of my life with smiles and reverence...wow.  What I was experiencing was what St John called: "The peace which passeth all understanding.”  In the light of what just happened to me, how can I feel this way? I thought.  How will I EVER be okay again?

He kept his word…he never left me.  Not once.  I left Him, but he never left me.  I have always been the most important thing to Him (As are you) and there is no way for me to change that even though I tried.  It is a Love that CANNOT be lost, but it can be forgotten. My loyalty for the “Soldier” goes far beyond what can be put into words…

I speak and listen to this voice daily...in fact it is "what I do." I am still in Love with the voice, it has told me everything I need to know.

Let’s just say I will always be on that “Quiet beach along the edge of time” for the rest of Eternity. 

Oh and by the way, yes this is where my band name originally came from.  Not even the band knew that.

Boats and Bridges

“True wisdom is always preceded by great suffering…” - Buddha

In Ancient Aramaic there is no word for “Wrong.”  There is only “Right” and “Not Right.”  In my office I usually explain this with a business card.  I have seen Dr. Michael Ryce use a Quarter.  Anything that has two sides will work…since it requires that two people sit on opposite sides of this object and “see” what it is they are SURE they see.  Of course the person on the other side…witnessing the same object sees a different side of the same object, story or event. 

Of course they are BOTH right…and it actuality they are both not right.

“The ego is only consistent in its inconsistency.”  (ACIM)

Recently I have read about these AGE toxins in high heated cooked foods.  They are responsible for the deterioration and aging process within all of us. Their full name is Advanced Glycation Endproducts and they are nasty things. 

I have read about Sugar, and how it is one molecular structure away from Heroine.  It must be bad for you.

I have seen how protein is good and carbs are bad and the opposite of that.  I have seen many holistic doctors knock the medical doctors and say that Cholesterol is a hoax and of course the MD’s fight back with their “evidence” and are sure that holistic doctors are “quacks.”  There are diets of all sorts…they even blame it on this overall thing called stress.  If I find something that says cashews are “good” for you, a report comes out that says they are “bad” for you.

Of course they are all right.  They are also not right.

“Everything in moderation, that’s the key.”  ~ Salvatore Victor Sudano

My Father said that line many times to me many moons ago.  When I think of it now and how powerfully he said it over and over.  I know that this man had many a Buddha moment.  This of course sounds like Buddha’s “Middle Way.” 

Let’s say I came to you and showed you a huge bolt I held in my hand that came from a bridge and said, “Look, I have a bridge!”  Am I right? 

If someone else came with a cable from the bridge and said “Look I have a bridge!” Is he right? 

And someone else with a truss from the bridge?  Are they right?

They are all right…and yet…they are not right as well.  But they are also not wrong either. 

This is what I believe is happening with the world.  I honor it because people are challenging and striving.  BUT, when they claim, “I have THE answer” they are only seeing a “piece” of this puzzle.  A part of the whole.  Remember that line above from the ACIM:  if there is inconsistency it is of the ego.  THAT means if it is not ALWAYS like that it is not real or correct.  Anyone who has ever dieted can attest to the fact that doing different diets produce the results of losing weight.  But they are temporary since they miss the whole.  They miss the head space of WHY this person thinks weight is important, of why this person is holding on to this being their direction and their way.  It is like hiring the Police chief to find the murderer when HE is in fact…the murderer.

So instead of working from the top down, we are all dealing with the bottom up and somewhere in the middle.  Not that that is a bad thing, indeed we must start with where we are.  BUT to say “I have found the solution” and you point at something external or some external world teaching is the folly.  THESE world teachings are only partials…they miss the bridge, they miss the whole.

So why do we do this?  Why do all of us try and find the answer and THEN attach to it like this?  Because we are wired by the creator to seek and to FIND.  The ego on the other hand is taking that “seek” part and shifting the second part to NOT FIND.  After some time of seeking we become disillusioned since we have been seeking for the very thing that will never work.  We are terrified to be led astray.  But we keep on trying, idolizing anything and everything along the way.  We defend our new idols as if we are defending our very lives…because indeed we BELIEVE these idols equate to our very lives. We identify with them, make them the same as US.  “If I am not right about this belief, I am diminished…I am less than…”

So what is the solution?   It is to challenge.  NOT to get the “form” of it right…but to CHALLENGE in ALL of its aspects.

Go out and see the bolt in the bridge, call it THE bridge, claim it as your new identity, worship it, defend it.  Then it ultimately fails you.

Go out and see the cable in the bridge, call it THE bridge, claim it as your new identity, worship it, defend it.  Then it ultimately fails you.

Go out and see the Truss in the bridge, call it THE bridge, claim it as your new identity, worship it, defend it.  Then it ultimately fails you.

Now you become disillusioned.  You begin to move away from worshipping THINGS, you become cynical and begin to worship ANTI-THINGS. 

Go out and see the politics (etc..).  Denounce it & call it THE problem, claim it as your new identity, worship it, defend it.  Then it ultimately fails you. 

Go out and see Religion. Call yourself an Atheist. Denounce religion & call it THE problem, claim this position as your new identity, worship it, defend it.  Then it ultimately fails you. 

Go out and see the Atheists. Call yourself a person of God. Denounce them & call them THE problem, claim that as your new identity, worship it, defend it. Then it ultimately fails you. 

Go out and see the people. Denounce them & call it THEM problem, claim this belief as your new identity, worship it, defend it.  Then it ultimately fails you. 

Go out and see the world. Call yourself a reasonable person or a realist. Denounce it & call the world THE problem, claim it as your new identity, worship it, defend it.  Then it ultimately fails you. 

Now comes pain, disillusionment times a thousand.  Whether you are FOR something or AGAINST it it is all the same. You are let down by RELYING (read: idolizing) on it. You give up…and then:

The peace which passeth all understanding.  Somewhere you get a huge truth.  You realize all your little beliefs and idols are not true (the perceptions and parts are not the bridge). The parting of the egoic clouds has begun.

Now your teaching can begin.  So you set out on a journey to realize THE Bridge, The WHOLE Bridge, The WHOLE story, The WHOLE truth. 

One must begin by challenging everything one can in the world.  To attach to beliefs is not a bad thing in the overall process even though ultimately it is not correct.  It is necessary to get to a point of realizing idolizing is a failure, a huge bomb.  Taking positions and beliefs is necessary to this world so we ultimately become sick and tired of it failing us.  Think of how many different beliefs you do than you did when you were a kid, 10 years ago, 5 years ago…last year even.  You will have different beliefs tomorrow than you do today.  So why fight for them?

To learn that no idol will ever serve you and make you happy. You have tried to make an idol make you happy.

The key to this is knowing THAT is what you are doing.  So can you name some persons, places, things, events, beliefs, histories that you are currently idolizing?

Awe

I want to post something in regards to awe.  Space can trigger awe in me, the size the depth...the magnitude.  It brings me out of my little perspective, helps me to understand my little issues mean absolutely nothing.  Imagine going into space and everything you have ever known, ever seen, ever imagined, ever felt, done, will do, had, will have is here...on this tiny blue sphere in space.  My ego takes a beating when I look into space...I feel small, and then the words...I created that?  The Beautiful Insanity...

I often study infinite regression and infinite egression.  Imagine...

Take a look at this site.  I suggest starting with the scroll all the way to the right and slowly going backwards... ***SITE SEEMS TO BE WORKING AGAIN, HOPEFULLY IT WILL REMAIN THAT WAY. PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF IT DOESN'T AT ANY POINT.

http://htwins.net/scale2/?bordercolor=white

Identity and Ownership

Ownership?  

How can this be possible, how can one “own” anything when it is inherently temporary?  When I looked it up in the dictionary I found many definitions but all had one thing in common.  They said nothing.  They referred to the word “owner” or “own.”  They all brought me into en endless loop, a cycle of hyperbole so to speak.  It reminded me of Adolf Hitler speaking, saying much and saying nothing at all, the usual superfluous ramblings and hollow rants of a buffoon.

 

I looked up Ownership and it referred me to the word:  “Possession.”

So I looked THAT up and it said “nothing.”  Here is what it said: 

1. The act or fact of possessing.

2. The state of being possessed.

Okay then so I looked up “possessing” and here is what it said: 

To have as belonging to one; have as property; own: to possess a house or a car.

So I realized that also means “nothing” so I looked up “Have” and this is what it said:

to possess; own; hold for use; contain: He has property.

(This brought me back to the words “own” and “possess” which both say nothing.

How about “Belong:”

a. to be the property of: The book belongs to her

Okay, off to find the meaning of “Property…this should yield some results right?  Wrong! 

That which a person owns; possession or possessions of a particular owner. They lost all their property in the fire.

WHAT!?  Not the word “Possession” & “owns” again! An endless loop straight back to the void.  My conclusion again: We are making this ALL up!

In Aramaic there is no real word for ownership.  In fact in early Hebrew although there is no word for “doubt” they used the word “Adon” which means absolute ownership and control, for God.

So the more we take a deeper look at this the more obvious it becomes that ownership is all made up, a fabrication, a sleight of hand.  It is a word designed to get us to believe that it is possible to make something yours.

In this never ending conundrum I prefer the Latin meaning of the word “Identity” (Idem) “to make same.” This is clearly what we are all doing anytime we think we can own something.  Since everything you feel you own is nothing but temporary it can be nothing short of insanity to attempt to own anything.  Before I understood (understanding it does not mean that I do it 100% yet) it was made of nothing I thought it had some true permanence, to “own” something was real, it was mine…

But what if this is all just truly about an ego attempt to make what WE are (since we have long forgotten) connected with objects and form?  Along with our stories and our history.

This would be a serious issue.  It would be another nail in the coffin of the ego if we truly KNEW that attempting to possess, own or have anything was not even possible. It would cease all of those future anxieties in a heartbeat, things such as: want, desire & craving.

Ahhhh, so this is why letting go of possessions is the Masters way.  It is part of the Toa, the Bible, the main Buddhist teachings and of course: The Course.  But we are not just speaking about owning things, but the “need” to own things, the “need” to possess ideas, things, stories, events and concepts. 

However that is a massive undertaking.  Let’s just speak of things for now.  How many of you “own” your house? If you thought “me, I do” you have absolutely fallen into that trap.  Even if you felt like I was going to put you on the hotseat and differentiate you from others who do NOT own their house, you have fallen prey to the ego.   The fact is that you CANNOT own anything as we pointed out earlier.  But deep within the recesses of your mind you think this is possible.  You think that you and your house are the same.  You fell prey to what you learned via the ego about what you are not.  You learn that you are made more viable and valuable by “owning” something.  Something of “permanence” like land and a hollow block of wood and mortar arranged in some order. You feel special…better…more worthy.  You have learned the egos lesson well. 

There is an army of people out there who believe this story and teach it to you daily.  They have set up their lives to convince you that you NEED these things.  Every newspaper, TV commercial, magazine and every single advertisement is there to convince you that you NEED them. To drive that new vehicle is not just driving a new vehicle, it is part of YOU.  This is why we spend $50,000+ for a device we can get the same results from if it were the $15,000 model (or comparable: ie an truck to a truck, a car to a car, etc…).  Why do I need THAT label on there?  I can OWN THAT house, that outfit, that device, unit, appliance, tool, house, car, boat, spouse significant other, children, vacation, etc…   I want it to look good be good and sound good.  I want and NEED to possess it AND deep within my mind it needs to be as close to “best” (because someone else says or thinks it is) as possible, because it IS ME.  To add more spice to it, it is better if everyone else knows I “own” it also. I now have others that agree with me.  So I’m going to show and tell everyone about the new vacation, car, house, item…this makes me MORE…I am special…but I thought special always meant “MORE!”  No…special means “Separate” not more.  We are trying to make it mean “more,” but this is NOT working.

Think to yourself right now, how many times have you compared your possessions (identities) with others’?    If you felt disappointment in your child you have done it, if you felt better than, with your house you have done it. 

We are constantly measuring ourselves with others via their possessions, “accomplishments” and oh, lets not forget…our appearance.

YET, the punchline of this whole story, in fact, is that it is ALL temporary.  The house will fade and decay, the car will stop running. The world will end, the universe will end and long before that, your body your memory your “accomplishments” and your possessions will decay and be completely forgotten.  All of it in the blink of an eye in the Universes’ perspective.

To get perspective on this, imagine you contract a deadly form of Cancer and you now have only a few days or weeks to live.  Truly think about that…what do you value?  Does the money matter anymore?  How about the BMW, the Nice house and the status you have in the community?  Notice how small you feel, how closed in yet how liberated.  How taking inventory of your life is quite simple now.  What you valued in a shocking moment you do not value any longer.   Now if you can feel that for at least a nanosecond then what is it you are feeling the other 99.999999999% of the time?  

That’s right, Identity.  The idea of having, owning or possessing something, someone or some ideal making you like “it.”  It is the idea of something making you more…and this is a fruitless search.  There is also the goal of occupying your mind so you need not think of anything I’m saying here, to never think of death, to ignore it so you will never have to truly face the truth…this is NOT what you are.

You also realize something else…you may have wasted a lot of time “owning.”

The truth is Identity was already given you.  You are what the maker of you says you are and this bothers us deeply to our core.  We want to be the ones that have the only say in what we are…but sadly we do not.  We can REMEMBER what we ALREADY are and that’s that. Our attempt at Identity is an attempt to rewrite ourselves, to point at something we give value to and say: “That is my worth because that is mine…it is ME.”  But we will never be right…that can never be true. You can convince yourself you are what you say, and then you will believe it but that does NOT make it true. Then you will realize the true definition of suffering.  If you have EVER suffered, ever, you are trying to convince yourself you are something you are not.  You are attempting to tell the painter what the painting means and was created for.  It is because you are on another fruitless search for the impossible…to be something you are not.

Once again, this is why “letting” go of things, ideas, concepts and history is the masters way.

I am hoping we can keep this one going in the comments.  Feel free to expand or expound on this.

Notes on the way...

1. The purpose of life is to heal you and to bring you joy! Anything less is Self-Inflicted Nonsense.
2. We will define the output of the human mind as reality. In ancient times, called the 'mind of man.'
3. Pretending someone else causes your mind's disturbing output is projection.
4. Blaming another for your reality (the output of your mind) is irresponsible and the key to being a victim.
5. Thinking and feeling like a victim is self-destructive and compromises one's mental, emotional, physical, relationship and financial health.
6. Pain is the energy that results from holding onto disintegrative energy and/or negative thoughts. Pain warns of the need for tools to release stored negativity and create internal healing.
7. Forgiveness (changing your reality, the output of your mind) is the only PERMANENT solution.
8. Forgiving is NOT about others, rather, it is an internal healing process.
9. Understanding the principles behind transition is simple but not always easy.
10. It takes commitment and work to heal yourself of patterns that have continued, often, for generations!
11. The rewards are beyond what the mind in pain can conceive.

 

I Will Coutinue

To Listen Deeply, And Not Go Sleep