New Podcast

In case you didn't know, I have abandoned the typing for the microphone. My weekly Podcast "The nature of all things" with a new episode every Monday is out! Here's the link:

Had to edit Podcast, new link

Sorry folks, had to edit the original blog for time constraints and changed the Cave story to Plato, I said aristotle. Geez.... http://keithsudano.podomatic.com/entry/2014-09-28T06_14_06-07_00

The first podcast of "The Nature of all things..."

http://keithsudano.podomatic.com/entry/2014-09-27T11_12_18-07_00

I will be posting my new podcast links here.

The propagation of fear - What love can do

It was Sunday August 25^th 2013 and Arlene and I were driving back on Route 52 coming from St. Stephen, SC.  We had just come from the canal on the Santee river which empties into lake Moultrie.  It’s one of our favorite walks although you have to be careful the dogs don’t go in the water without supervision…there’s many an alligator just waiting for a snarky border Collie and Wily Lab to just come passing by to make them brunch.

I was in a conversation with Arlene about New Mexico and whether her Aunt and Uncle’s stores they have there were doing well.  I was passing a large pickup truck, correctly I might add which was going a bit slower than my pace.  The speed limit on 52 in that rural part of Berkeley county is 60mph…but everyone does an average of 70+.  I must have been doing about 70 passing the truck very slowly.  Upcoming from the rear was a person in a white car taling me.  You know the type…no matter how fast you go they are easily going to outdo you by 10mph minimum.  Sometimes I will marvel at people sitting in a stiff position with a sort of a disconnected stare on their faces as they race past me at what appears to me crazy speeds.  I should talk…I used to be one of them. 

Apparently I was not passing the truck fast enough for the person in the white car so I sped up to pass the truck.  I learned (mostly from riding with my friend T.M. on motorcycles to just let people by.  He would always let cars by no matter what if they got too close. Thereby letting go of pride and the need to be "right").  It’s a great practice on a motorcycle and a great spiritual principle no matter what you drive….just let go.  So I sped up quite a bit and finally passed the truck, in making that pass I got up to appr. 80mph. 

Now this is where it gets interesting.  Usually the person races past you in the left lane and life is back to normal.  But sometimes you get someone that feels it is your responsibility to make their world go the way they want and think they need it to go.  So he does it…he slows down to confront me.  My window is open…it was a picture perfect day and one of those rare days the temperature was cool enough to keep the windows down in my wifes 2003 Rav 4. 

The interaction went something like this:

“Hey motherfucker, don’t you know what the fucking left lane is for?!  It’s for passing motherfucker!”  I retort:  “Yup, did you see the giant piece of metal right behind me I PASSED, they call that a TRUCK!” 

This is when he got really irate, it was as if I switched some “My dad made me feel like a fool and not good enough and what you just said is the exact way he did it" look.  He flipped out: 

“Fuck you!  I’ll kick your ass!” 

In which I retorded:  "We’re done!” 

And I turned and faced forward realizing to fuel this was not going to be a good thing.  He started yelling again in a car moving at 75 MPH right next to me. Why the hell was he so damn angry?  WTF?  I'm glad I don't feel that way much anymore.

…I glanced over and he reached down and pulled out a handgun and pointed it at my head...

  I swerved intuitively (A huge thanks goes out to Steven Jucks here.  My father in law who being a retired Police officer taught me that when your car swerves like that out of control always steer INTO the slide and not away from it.  I am not sure why but I remembered it flawlessly.  I hit the brakes as a second thought and he passed on.  But that was when I made the instantaneous decision to go after him.  It was not debated…I just knew it was the right thing to do.

Arlene being terrified was screaming “Stay away from him!  Don’t get close!”  I said to her…”This is just the right thing!”

And off I went, at first to just get his license plate but then turning into much more of an insight for me.  We were doing speeds of up to and over 100 mph, much of the time in 25mph zones.  I don’t know Goose Creek at all, we were driving at breakneck speeds through ;little neighborhoods with people out mowing lawns and kids playing.  By this time I was on the phone with 911 calling in every street we passed while he drove up on those same lawns people were mowing.  I had gotten his license plate but the 911 operator wanted me to keep going and let me know the major part of the Goose Creek police dept was converging on the area trying to block him off.  But at one point I glanced up and saw the 25mph sign and looked down at my speedometer.  I was doing 107mph…whoa.  I said it to her:  “He’s doing almost 110mph in a 25mph zone!”  She said slow DOWN sir!  I did and eventually lost him, only guessing as to where he went at the end of that road and the next. 

From there much happened and is still happening.  But the takeway for me is huge.  Here is a man who was engaging in fear (He had a gun ready to grab in the seat next to him).  He pointed it at me to scare me.  And I was the one chasing HIM!? 

Reap and sew

Judged, be judged

Measure it shall be measured unto you

Reap sparingly, sew sparingly

Reap abundantly. Sew abundantly

Living by sword, dying by sword

Speck in eye, log in eye

These teachings all came to mind plus many others afterwards.

I went home after the “ordeal” and took a nap.  Yup, I realized that every second after the reaction to swerve I felt no fear whatsoever.  I was calm (I want to see if I can obtain the 911 call but just found out I would need a subpoena) and he was contrastingly crazy in his actions and words.  In the world, you would have thought the one with the gun would have been the “powerful” one.  But here I was chasing him in my small Rav 4 on many deserted roads where he “could” have stopped and shot me or even scared me away.  But he ran…and oh did he run.  He lived in fear and his plan reaped what he lived in.  Karma means “action,”  you play in shit…you smell and look like shit.  You become shit.  I became more that just the man who was in the now or the guy whose mind wandered.  I was the observer watching it all occur.  This was huge for me, I saw the 3rd person we only become aware of in crisis situations and usually we are so traumatized we are not aware of that entity.

I am not saying this to toot my horn, for in fact I feel it is within all of us to find out with proof there is NOTHING to truly fear.  Yes we experience fear, but that is always a concept of future...but we do not HAVE to experience fear at all.  Since the truth is, there really is nothing to be afraid of "out there."

Arlene’s words before I took a nap were…”You’re going to take a nap.  He probably won’t sleep for a month.”

And I slept like a baby.  I actually forgot the incident until the sherrif called me 2 days later.  Wow, what Love can do.

I am Overcome

Holy Water in my Lungs.

Here we are only a couple of weeks past my Mom dying.  Arlene just called me 5 minutes ago to tell me that my brother in Law Albert just died today.

I am overcome...

Everyone up there is in shock.

I realize how useless it is.  If we are not in the now, we are not.  I feel a strange anxiety, like a pins and needles in my upper torso.

I know what to say, I know what to do.  I can't convey it, since you cannot speak through insanity.

It's useless.

Temporary, fleeting, yet eternal.  Endings, always endings and beginnings and endings.  Start and never finish.


What am I saying?

THIS, is the first 20 minutes.  A snapshot of the insanity of grief.  The ego speaking it's lies and my knowing speaking my truth.  I am in what "shock" would be for me.

Albert and I sort of grew up together...he was with my sister since 16 years old and he was like an older brother. I know on a deep level why and how this occurred.  I know why this happened.

A battle between philosophies.  Then will come my decision.  My decision to be happy.  But today is just a little more "so what" than yesterday...an hour ago...five minutes ago.

I am overcome....

There is absolutely nothing for me to do.  I can only deny the lie.  The stories that the ego tells me are just plain stupid at this point.  I am seeing this differently.  The hardest part is thinking about what someone else (My sister) is experiencing.  The loss, the horror, the emptiness...without knowing anything that I do.

I feel sadness for that.

But I always go back to my great beloved...My God.  I can feel a gentle stroke on my forehead.  It would be far too much, far too much without Him.  It also would make no sense.  Everything is going to be okay.

Funny.  I just thought of him Yesterday. For that, I am overcome.

I am prepared

I have always somehow been “prepared.”  I don’t know how to explain that really, I just know I have.

I was 24 years old and I had this new girlfriend.  Her name was Nina and at the time I thought she was the most beautiful girl on the planet, she was my Phoebe Cates look alike and I was going to take her out that night.

I stopped at home (My parent’s house) first and while walking in I was told to sit down.  My Mom had a cold look on her face like I had seen before.  Like something so overwhelming had happened to her that it was impossible to convey.  She began to convey to me how my Brother Scott had just shot himself and died.  This look on her face (and my Dad) was telling and something I would become more familiar with as I would see it not only on their faces for the rest of their lives but on many of my clients.  This look, this calibratory collection of signals has come to mean: “I am in crisis and am in the process of shoving everything into my unconscious mind right now” signal.  Only to have it rise up throughout your life to deal with it later. 

That night was strange for me and I cannot help but feel that even though I cried and acted quite crazy I was holding off the real pain (or the thoughts that create it) for a time I could deal with it. My Sister in Law was drugged to the hilt to desensitize her from the pain, for me it was completely surreal and would remain that way for many years.  Even though I didn’t “know” he was going to die that night, it is interesting to note I was the only one to contact him before hand, I made my peace with him, I had time to ponder him not being here, I had tied up any loose ends I could without even being aware of it…and this is a pattern that would hold true from there on.  When my Father died, when Arlene’s Grandfather died, When my Aunt died, when my pets died it was like I knew.  I would take strange and unexpected trips to see them before hand.  I find Arlene and I saying, “It’s amazing we went on that unplanned visit” or “Something was telling me this was going to happen.” I was always ready even if not in form.

So it is no surprise then that yesterday April 23^rd 2013 I had clear thoughts of my Mom and brother and my niece.  They pop up once in a blue moon in my mind, but seriously, I am mostly in the now and this is a quite rare occurrence.

I found out my Mom passed away last night. 

I remember the last conversation I had with her.  She said to call a little more.  I was thinking what it would be like if she passed and I had not called.  It was like I was covering bases…working it all out before it happened.  I took an “unplanned” trip to NJ in late January (after not going home for Christmas) to see her specifically, I felt strongly I need to do that.  That trip was momentous even though at first I whined about going at all.  I made my peace with her on some level I cannot quite explain.  I said to Arlene after the visit: “I really feel good about this, I’m ready now.”  I was referring to the conclusion of some story that we both shared.  Some drama a person has with another that can play out for lifetimes.  Mine was complete with her somehow…

Besides for the weather (Are the clouds going to leave this year?) I feel good today.  Of course the ego is trying to have its say in all this.  Last night I remember thinking to one of its ridiculous diatribes: “I am going to feel wonderful in a month, 6 months and a year from now.  This will pass, so why not feel wonderful right now?”  It was almost as if I was supposed to be devastated about all of it and found myself about to play the role. I counsel my clients in all this…here I was walking the walk now.

In the book: The Denial of Death” by Ernest Becker he attributes all Psychosomatic illness to our denial of death. Jesus would agree stating” Die not Son of God in which the dark dance of death delights you, die not…” The Buddhists spend a LOT of time on the concept of death and dying. There is something to this.

They are pointing something out.  Death is something we try to avoid our whole lives.  But in form it seems that it is inevitable so the key is to die before you die.  To realize you are not that which seems to die through that knowledge…to REALLY KNOW it. 

I feel I’m on the right path with this.  My life has been surrounded by death (I was fortunate to have older parents and be the youngest of 6).  I used to think that was a curse, I realize the blessing it is now.  How it is playing a significant role in helping me to deal with this crazy concept of death here and now.  Not wait until the “great cold surrounds my bones.” –Shakespeare’s Prospero

I realize this post is a bit scattered.  I have much along these lines to convey but these are my initial thoughts:

We do not die

There is no opposite to life

To believe it somehow means the God of life has an opposite and can end

This is not possible

Yet somehow it seems we end

So it must be that what we “see” is not necessarily life

It is something to pass itself off as life that seemingly can end

Thereby making the creator “wrong.”

I will not fold.

I will not budge.

I will not give a single inch on this matter.

It is a lie.

“The only correct use of denial is denial of the ego…” – ACIM